Monday, 4 February 2013


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new watercolour painting | opi's 'the world is not enough' from their skyfall collection | post-interview drive home | follow me on instagram! i'm 'beckyyroo' :)

hello! this will be a short and slightly different update post. today i had my first of two interviews for art college. after several recent disastrous job interviews that stripped my confidence down to almost nothing, i was super nervous, and it went just as badly as i had feared it would. the tutor compared my work with the three other students at the interviews and got us to talk through our portfolios. i stumbled over words and said stupid things and was embarrassed by my own work; everyone else seemed to be so much better than me, and my bad relationship with my sixth form art department meant i had no sketchbook work, only final pieces. i felt silly and stupid, like a little girl just starting high school being scared of the big kids. i was out of my depth, in over my head. i've thought that art college was the place that i was supposed to be since i was ten years old but today i found out that i'd been wrong. i felt so out of place and i knew that i didn't belong there. but that was my first choice for college; what am i supposed to do now?

i've always felt that i was good at art but as i've gained qualifications i seem to grow to hate art classes more and more. i thought that that was just down to how gcse and a-level art is taught, and that once i got to college or university then they'd understand my working process better and it would be okay, but now i'm doubting that. what if i get to college but feel the same as i do now? my work would be bad and they'd laugh at me before kicking me out. that's terrifying. another thing is that art just terrifies me in general; are they really any careers in this for me? am i going to be paying £9,000 a year for nothing? are my costume designing career plans just false and way out-of-reach? nothing is certain about my future and my options get more limited every time i make a decision.

i know that a year at art college is the only thing i can do from here. whether or not i'll enjoy it, fit in, or create good work is a different matter. the college that i just visited offered me a place, and i should be happy about that, but instead i'm just nervous. i feel like i've tricked them into thinking i'm talented and eventually they'll figure it out. i guess what i'm saying is what everyone else is saying: i'm scared. scared of being rejected, scared of putting my all into something just to be told it's shit, scared of not being enough. for now all i can do is keep moving forward and try not to let fear overcome me.

i'll let you know how my next interview goes, and thank you for reading. regular posts will resume soon. xx

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